Hello there. I am… Umm… EllmoTheSpectacular! Yes, that’s it! That’s my name! And today, we are going to be looking at a very interesting piece of media. But first, let me give you a bit of backstory on this. Because this movie is based of a popular video game franchise. 007!

For those two young to remember, 007 was a super popular video game series centred around the adventures of British secret agent James Bond. And they were super amazing games two with the best game in this series being Goldeneye for the SEGA 64. It was one of the most influence First Human Shooters in all of gaming. And in an already banger video game series. James Bond was my hero! He made quips and… umm… he made a lot of quips that stuck with me.

So imagen my surprise when I found out that Goldeneye was such a popular game they ended up making a movie about it! How could I NOT check this out!? Now imagen how disappointed I was when I actually watched it and found out how much this movie DISRESPECTED the source material! First off, the visuals. Good fucking lord, this looks NOTHING like the classic game! Why does it look so real life? Why do the characters have changing facial expressions? In the original game the characters all had unchanging faces and didn’t talk! All the important dialogue was done though text! Already of to a bad start with this looking NOTHING like the game it’s based on!

Oh but it doesn’t end there folks! This movie get’s even worse beyond just the visuals! First off, they skip over James Bond’s fight to the dam and just open on James getting ready to bungee jump the dam. Oh and how about Bond killing the guard in the bathroom by chocking him!? Everyone knows he dies from Bond shooting him in the vents. Or how about how Alex meets Bond BEFORE the chemical room when they actually meat up AT that room in the game!? Or how about the bombs Bond set being timed when they are ACTUALLY remote activated!? Oh and the worst part? During the escape in this movie the plane is already taking off and Bond has to catch up to it on a dirt bike WHICH HE DRIVES OF A CLIFF AND INTO THE PLANE!? HOW UNREALISTIC IS THAT!?

Good fucking lord, we aren’t even past the 10-minuet mark and already this movie has so many issues! And spoiler alert, this only gets worse! Because then we get the opening credits set to a song that wasn’t even in the game with some questionable imagery with “sexy ladies” and “sexy poses.” And then after that we skip ahead to nine years later and do I even need to explain what’s wrong with this? They skipped over so much of the original game! We don’t get to see Bonds first mission to Severnaya or the silo! Instead, we get this pointless car race scene with this car that was never in the game and this dumb casino scene that also was never in the movie and Xenia… having sex with someone who she then chocks out erotically? Okay, as much of a God I wish that were me moment this is, holy fucking shit! Did this movie really have to go THAT far? Aside from the fact that this WASN’T in the original game either, who was this movie even made for? Deviants? Edgelords? Man, the disrespect towards the original game is real!

Oh but finally, we get to a part that’s actually from the game, the frigate. Except, oh my god, they screwed this part up two! In the original game the ship was already out at sea and James Bond had to sneak onboard to rescue some hostages while also planting a tracking bug on the Pirate Helicopter which he then follows for his second trip to Severnaya. How do they tackle it in this movie? The ship is still docked, James doesn’t make it onto the boat to save anyone and the helicopter is stolen without it being tracked. Did they even play the original game while making this movie?

Well clearly not because the next scene is of the base in Semenya. The base where James Bond meets with Natalia in its prison and they escape together. Not in this piece of shit movie! Instead, the base get’s attacked by Omorov and Natalia escapes on her own with Bond never having his meeting with her! Sigh. Oh and what a wonderful surprise, more scenes that were never in the original game with Bond getting a debriefing from this old crone that was never in the game who also calls him a “sexist fossil from the Cold War” and if you had any doubts about this movie being bad before, this scene should show you otherwise! Not only are they disrespecting the game but also the character by having him be insulted as well! Who the fuck even is this lady anyway and why is she in my James Bond movie!

Anyway, James goes to Russia to meet with the ex KGB operative but NOT in the park like in the game but rather in some club and almost shots Bond’s family jewels off, this movie is trying WAY to hard to be adult and edgy, and THEN he goes to the park to meet Janus. And at this point I’m pretty sure the writers were like “How can we make Alec look even more evil in this movie than he already is in the game?” “Umm, let’s add in this random face disfigurement that his original model in the game never had.” Sean Bean should be ashamed of himself for agreeing to star in this movie as Alec! Oh, and James Bond was never knocked out and put into an exploding helicopter with Natalia, we already established they met in Severnaya and James in this moment actually has to rush to save Natalia from the exploding helicopter and then are taken to the Russin… You know what, this movies awfulness has drained me so much allow me to just burn though the rest of this garbage.

The defence minister was never killed, the tank chase was set at night, they skip over the depot level, the train was stopped by James shooting the brakes inside the train itself and not because of the tank blocking the tracks, the bomb that was going to blow up the train only lasted a single minuet, Xenia wasn’t killed by strangulation, the entrance to the satellite was via a cave, Bond and Natalia were never captured during this moment, they skip the caverns section and they were not helped by any American soldiers.

So that was Goldeneye the Movie and my god, what an awful film this was! Not only did it try WAY to hard to be edgy and appeal to adults but it was also disrespectful as hell to the original source material and was clearly only made to get money of the James Bond name but not care about the original source material. Seriously, if you’re going to make an adaptation of something but you don’t bother making it a 1-1 copy paste of that original source material, you’re an asshole who doesn’t deserve anything nice! Looking at you Marvel and your shitty comics that are nothing like the original movies they are based on, how dare those pricks disrespect the X-Men with their silly colourful suits they gave them in these comics for some reason! No wonder this was the only James Bond movie they ever made, this is awful! Who would want to continue making movies after this? If you want some GOOD James Bond content, just play the games instead! I hear there’s a new one coming out soon! Now to destroy this movie in a comedic fashion. Slams the DVD of the movie on the ground and flips it the bird. Take that you piece of shit!