Generic Villian Lair, somewhere in… let’s say Hawaii.

Minion: Master, the plan is almost ready. We have found a review perfect to raid in the land of Australia.

Shadow Overlord: Excellent! Soon, my plan to add unnecessary story arcs to internet reviewers and drag out those reviews in question while the villains plan only vaguely relates to the game or movie that person is reviewing will come to fruition! Our vengeance will be at hand! The internet will soon be filled with these kind of reviews once again! AH HA HA HA HA HA!!!

Bellmo’s house, Australia.

Alright, so I got this game I’ve been really into recently that I felt like reviewing just for the hell of it, NiGHTS Into Dreams for the SEGA Saturn. Released in 19…

???: WAIT! You can’t start the review yet!

Umm… Yes I can… Also who are you anyway?

???: Don’t you remember? It’s me Jimmy from high school! Also he’s Morshu.

Morshu: Hello.

Jimmy: We are here to make your review of this game even more entertaining.

… How?

Jimmy: By being side characters in your review that will help you when the main bad guy shows up.

…… So, your basically contrived side characters added for the sake of a story I have no plans on adding to this review?

Morshu: Come on, who doesn’t love a good story arc in a internet review? All the cool internet reviews were doing it back in the 2010s and we should bring it back!

Why?

Morshu: Because it’s cool!

… How is adding a story arc to a game review cool or even interesting? Most people who watch these things do so because they are interested the game or movie the reviewer is talking about.

Jimmy: Well umm… Err… Because it’s cool?

Sigh First off, I don’t know either of you. You are a character I never went to high school with and only exist for the sake of a Bully reference most people won’t get because this is a written review and your physical appearance is exclusive to my mind only. And you are a side character who originates from the one Zelda game no one even likes outside of memes. And second, if I wanted to make a big and epic story involving a bunch of characters, I’d write a fan fiction or make a short film. NOT randomly inject a story into a review where I barley talk about the game at all. So please, can you get out of my house before I call the police and let me review this game in peace?

Jimmy: … Fine, asshole. Come on Morshu, let’s go throw rob the nearest Nintendo store. Both leave the house angry!

There isn’t one in this country! Sigh Anyway, as I was saying, NiGHTS Into Dream came out on the SEGA Saturn back in 1996 and even after all these years it’s still seen as one of SEGA’s best…

Cameraman: Umm wait Bellmo, you need to do the sponsored contest.

… Groan Fine. We are being sponsored by none other than Generic Sponsor Brand who have allowed me to hold a contest for all my loyal subscribers. The prize is none other than an authentic sealed copy of the movie Foodfight because I couldn’t think of a better bottom of the barrel prize for this joke. All you have to do to enter is type in the comments “Pick me! I’m willing to look like a mindless sheep for a useless prize that’s not worth the time and effort it took for me to comment” and I’ll probably pick you! … Okay I did the contest announcement; can I review the game now please!?

Anyway, development of NiGHTS Into Dream actually began in 1994 not long after the release of Sonic and Knluckle and was thought up by Yuji… Television static.

News Reporter: We interrupt this review you clicked on the video to watch for a breaking news bulletin. A giant evil shadow villain who looks vaguely like the main villain of the game BellmoTheGreat is talking about is attacking the city of Gametopia!

Oh my fucking God, is this really what we are calling this city now?

News Reporter: Earlier today we received a message from the strange villain who said this.

Shadow Overlord: Internet reviews aren’t fun anymore! They get straight to the point of the subject they are talking about. No more! We need reviews with story arcs again! We need to drag out these reviews with long storylines, unnecessary side plots and characters who… TV Static again, then it changes back to the game

Christ, what was the point of that? Anyway, the main gameplay of NiGHTS sees you playing as of course, the title character as you fly around…

Cameraman: Actually Bellmo, your meant to fight that Shadow Overlord!

… Why?

Cameraman: For the fate of the world!

… Dude, this is a review on an old SEGA game from 28 years ago that I’ve been really into recently and that’s it! It’s not some secret plot to save the… Is instantly teleported to the city and is flying just like the character NiGHTS does in game! Because we need to have this plot tie into the game somehow! Annnnnd I’m literally here where I don’t want to be.

Shadow Overlord: So, we finally meet foolish human!

Yeah wonderful, what do you want? I got a game to review and time to fill in and an audience who want to see me talk about the game.

Shadow Overlord: I want reviews to go back to how they were in the 2010’s! I am the shadow of those reviews.

So, you’re basically a contrived and unnecessary character added into a review that doesn’t need it and adds nothing?

Shadow Overlord: Yes! And I will spread my influence on every reviewer ever.

Oh god please no stop!

Shadow Overlord: Oh you can beg all you want but you will never…

No I mean like actually, stop! This isn’t a movie, it’s a game review on a video game! Like I told my “friends” before, most people who are clicking on this would be reading because they are genuinely interested in my opinions on NiGHTS Into Dream or maybe even the series as a whole. NOT because they want to see something they could just as easily see in a movie or short film. There are literally people on this platform who do that without tying it into a review, why not just be the villain in one of those.

Shadow Overlord: But… internet reviews need storyarcs to keep the viewers’ attention!

Why? And for the love of God, don’t say “because it’s cool” because even as a teenager in the early 2010’s who sat though these kinds of reviews I thought storyarcs were unnecessary.

Shadow Overlord: … Yes it was cool!

Look I hate to burst your bubble pal but internet reviewers back in the 2010’s adding story arcs to their reviews was nothing more than a fad and literally the only reason they did it was because they thought it was cool and everyone else was doing it. These reviews work way better when they are actually about the game or movie themselves. Doesn’t help that a lot of these reviews tied into each other either. Seriously, everyone complains about the MCU because they think you need to watch every single movie and TV Show they release just to understand it (which isn’t entirely true for some movies, like I watched both Black Panther films this year without watching Infinity War or Endgame and still enjoyed them) but some of these story arc reviews back in the 2010’s, oh boy!

Shadow Overlord: But… but it’s…

Yeah yeah yeah, it’s “cool” or whatever. Look, you can have short gags or jokes in your review, there is nothing wrong with that. That I’m fine with so long as the gags don’t overstay there welcome and are relevant to the game in question. But don’t derail the whole review for something 99% of people didn’t click on for. And don’t even get me started on the ones where only about 10% of the video is the actual review, those were the worst!

Shadow Overlord: … So, you’re saying you’d rather the overly long video essays people do nowadays that can go up to 8 hours?

God no! I dislike those just as much as reviews with story arcs! I joked before that this was a fad and those are two! No game needs to have a video stretched out to 12 hours just to explain stuff that could be explained in like 10 minuets! But at least those actually talk about the thing they are reviewing and don’t try shoving a “save the world” plot into it instead of just making a whole separate video.

Shadow Overlord: …… Well shit, now I’m depressed and don’t want to take over the world anymore. Congratulations, you beat me via depression.

Great, can you send me home now? I wanna actually talk about NiGHTS now! Is teleported back home. Thank you.

Now then, the gameplay of NiGHTS Review ends. Don’t forget to like and subscribe!