Okay so let me get this straight! Mario and Peach go on a well deserved vacation hoping to get away from all the bullshit that they have gone though in the last few games… And Bowser still kidnaps Peach anyway? Okay, sure thing Nintendo! Just reuse the plot of the previous Mario games! Cause that’s not lazy storytelling or anything.
Oh, and the place they go to, get this, is called “Dinosaur Land.” Wow, what a creative and unique name for a new location that is. But then again, what do we expect? This is the same company that named the main location for their games “Mushroom Kingdom.” What’s next? Bean kingdom? Flower kingdom? We get it Nintendo! There are mushrooms in the Mushroom Kingdom and dinosaurs in Dinosaur Land! You can name your fictional setting ANYTHING! Why name it after the thing that’s most common in that place? That’s just lazy writing!
Can someone explain to me why when you play the space levels in Star Fox you can still hear explosions and laser fire and stuff! Hello, there’s no sound in space! Space is a vacuum!
Or how about the fact that it takes only a few minutes for the Star Fox team to travel to a new level. In Space! It took NASA four days for one of there rocket to get from our earth to the moon! The closest star to our star, the sun, is Alpha Centauri A. That is 4.3 light years away from us! And I can only assume that the Star Fox universe runs on many of the same rules as our universe! Lotta planets and stars, very far apart from each other! It should not take only minutes to travel between levels! What Nintendo, did you just expect us to forget about astro physics for the sake of “having fun” in a space game?
So the newest Zelda game, A Link to the Past, is a prequel to the first two Zelda games and the intro tells the story of the Triforce and how it was hidden in a golden land that people fought tooth and nail to get into, and that the king ordered seven wise men to seal that land up… Christ, stop adding so many things to the lore Nintendo, your ruining my Zelda and making it two overly complicated!
Who is Smithy in Super Mario RPG!? Where does he come from!? Why is he evil!? Who are his parents!? Why do people follow him!? And why are so many of his minions and weapons so impractically designed? Is he meant to be evil or a clown!?
Let me get this straight, Konami releases a brand new Castlevania game, name it Super Castlevania IV implying that it’s a brand-new game in the series… And it’s just a retelling for the first game with the same protagonist!? Hey, Konami! If I wanted to play Castelvania 1 I would of just play Castlevania 1!
You guys aren’t going to believe this. In Super Mario RPG one of the party members is PRINCESS PEACH? Why!? No one asked for this! Why are they having a woman be pro active and actually help in this game!? This is an attack on masculinity and men! Nintendo is clearly trying to pander to the woke crowd with this shit! Don’t buy Super Mario RPG folks! Vote with your wallets!
Have you guys seen the new Mega Man design they gave the character in Mega Man X? What the hell is this? Why did they change him from this cute and adorable little guy who could still kick your ass if he needed to into this grownup edgy ass looking as mofo? Who is Capcom trying to appeal to here!? Adults? Edgelords? We should boycott this game and show Capcom we aren’t having this new design! That’ll make them go back to the old one, I’m sure!
Wait a minute, Bowser has spent several games up to this point being at odds with Mario and trying to kill him… And Mario’s response is to invite the guy to a fucking go kart race!? Why!? Did you just forget all the shit Bowser has put you though Mario? Is Mario retarded or something? Come on Nintendo, this is basic story telling! You can’t just ignore the fact Bowser’s a villain!
So the Contra series began on NES with Contra 1. Then for the next game they decided to name it Super C for whatever reason. But now, with this new game on Super Nintendo they call it Contra 3? Umm, where’s Contra 2 Nintendo!? Did we skip a number? Or are you guys meant to be telling me that Super C is Contra 2? If so, why not just call that Contra 2? In fact, why don’t we just stick to numbered sequels anyway!? It’s not that hard people!
Man, those mech things in the opening of Final Fantasy 3 were so stupid. The cockpit is exposed meaning your way more exposed to attacks and dangers. It’s just a really impractical and dumb design overall ha ha ha. No wonder the main villain of this game is a clown!
Actually, why is Kefka evil anyway!? Is there a reason? Or is he just doing evil shit for the sake of doing evil shit!? Basic storytelling Square!
So, what the hell is up with the backgrounds during the battles in Earthbound? What were they trying to do with those things? Blind the player? Give them epilepsy? Well congratulations! You did just that! Had to check myself into the hospital because my already poor eyesight was ruined by this game!
WHY IS THERE NO NEW ICE CLIMBERS GAME FOR THE SUPER NINTENDO!?
Christ, why are the Kirby games all so easy? Games need to be hard! Games need to push the player to all limits! Kirby doesn’t. Oh sure, Kirby Super Star does some new things not seen in the previous games but you know what else it’s never done that would be appreciated? ACTUALLY MAKING THE GAME HARD! We aren’t babies Nintendo? We can handle a harder challenge! So just give it to us already!
OH MY GOD NINTENDO WE GET IT! Metroid 1 was a thing! Just because you make us play though the opening section of it in Super Metroid doesn’t make you look clever!
So is there any specific reason King K. Rool want’s Donkey Kong’s bananas so much? Yeah Crocodiles eat bananas but why Donkey Kong’s specifically? There are bananas across this whole island! Just pick those instead! Maybe put a little more thought into your writing game!
Let me get this straight Nintendo. You make a sequel to Super Mario World, put Mario in the title… and you make it a Yoshi focused game!? Come on guys, you can’t just put a character’s name in the title and then have us not play as them!
Oh and the crying Baby Mario does when you get hit is so fucking annoying! Were they trying to drive the player insane or something? Well congratulations, you’ve done just that! I’m taking my copy of this game back to my local Blockbuster and getting a refund!
Jesues fucking Christ Nintendo, did you really have to go that dark for the final boss of Earthbound!? This is a game for kids, are you trying to traumatise them or something?
If you ask me I think the Metroid series would be selling much better if Samus was a guy! Keep your wokeness out of my games Nintendo!