Hi.
If you’re reading this then that means you have shown interest in becoming a critic! Are you tired of reviews that are purely based on the writers’ opinions and back their views up with “logic?” Do you hate seeing people have fun with a game or movie you otherwise don’t enjoy? Do you just like ruining other people’s fun in general? Then by reading this well detailed guide in a few minutes you two will become a skilled and competent critic able to review and criticise anything on the face of the earth. All you need to do is follow these easy steps and soon you will be on your way to becoming a super smart and super famous critic.
Step 1: You can’t like ANYTHING!
The first step to being a critic nowadays is that you can not like a single thing. EVER! You MUST hate everything! You can’t show any positivity towards anything that releases nowadays even if that thing ends up being good anyway. When everyone else is enjoying themselves with the newest Sonic game that just released, it’s up to you to rise up and complain that Sonic was never good and that he should of stayed in the 90’s where he belongs! Oh and also throw in some random line about how Sonic had a rough transition to 3D and how he doesn’t work in 3D.
This is because every bit of entertainment that releases nowadays isn’t good anyway and we need to remind people of that! Things were so much better in the 80’s where games were much shorter and had way more bullshit in them to make you keep playing. “But what if I play or watch something new that comes out nowadays and I do end up liking it?” Oh, that’s easy, just don’t talk about it! After all, you need to keep up appearances. And don’t bother talking about indie projects either, they aren’t worth your time. “But my friend told me Ultrakill is a really fun arena shooter with a lot of content that makes it worth playing as well as super satisfying gameplay and that it’s well worth the…” IT’S NOT WORTH YOUR TIME!
Step 2: Learn what the term “Hyperbole” means and use it. CONSTALLY!
Okay, this is one of the most important steps you gotta learn people. Hyperbole is your friend! If you’re not being hyperbolic in your reviews then your not doing your job! You can’t just say stuff like “Ehh, this wasn’t for me/I didn’t really like this as much as I wish I did/maybe I’ll like the next one more.” NO! You GOTTA ramp it up! Exaggerate to high Hell and back! Say stuff like “WORST MOVIE/GAME EVER! THIS MOVIE/GAME IS A COMPLEATE FAILURE! IT RUINED THE FRANCHSIE! IT’S TARNASHING THE LEGACY OF THIS FRANCHSIE! IT KILLED MY CHILDHOOD! IT TOOK ME TO BRAZIL TO RAPE ME AND THEN DOXXED MY HOME ADRESSE AND SAID IT WAS GOING TO DO THE SAME TO MY FAMILY!” Does this seem a little extreme to say about something you don’t like? No, not at all! It’s completely justified, and you’ll be taken more seriously as long as you remember to use hyperbole as much as you can!
Step 3: Everything is woke now! And that’s bad!
So, you may be reading this and wondering to yourself “What is woke?” Well in case you really have been living under a rock allow me to define it in simple terms! It’s when creators shove some kind of politics down our throat that we never asked for! A person of colour being in a film? That’s woke! A female character being a badass? That’s also woke! Two characters of the same sex being in a relationship? That’s also just as woke! This is woke! That is woke! EVERYTHING is woke! EVERYTHING is political and you have to point it out even if it seems like there’s no real political motivation to the stuff you’re pointing out! If someone says your stretching, then you have a right to defend yourself by saying that they are defending that stories wokeness!
And remember, when talking about wokeness always remember to take a jab at Disney Star Wars as they have shoved there wokeness into the franchise and destroyed it entirely and also remember to ignore the fact that your talking about a franchise that literally has the word “wars” in it, George Lucas has admitted that he based the battle of Endor in Return of the Jedi of the Vietnam war and if A New Hope was released today we’d get a bunch of people complaining about the scene where C-3PO and R2-D2 get kicked out of the cantina because “we don’t serve there kind here.”
Step 4: Make your reviews an hour long!
“Wait, an hour long?” I hear you asking. “That seems a little long. Why not 10 minutes? Or 30? You know, long enough to get the point across?” And to that I say your not thinking big enough! Dragging out your videos to an hour or more long will guarantee you get your points across and ensure the ad revenue you make is worth it. Hell, why stop at just 1 hour!? Why not 2? Or 3? OR 8 HOURS!? Talk about absolutely EVERYTHING in a bit of fiction! What’s that? Journey only takes an hour beat and is a game where your meant to come to your own conclusion about what it’s about or what you think it might be about? Oh no no no, you need to drag it out into a 3-hour long essay about how it’s about the concept of death and have an hour-long intro talking about how no other games up to this point have even come close to what Journey archives and only barely scratched the surface. Speaking of…
Step 5: Over analyse EVERYTHING!
This one is self-explanatory. Look deeply into absolutely everything that you can even if the conclusion you’re coming to is a massive stretch. Take the Mortal Kombat character D'vorah for example. A character who kills of major characters in the story yet get’s away with it every time. Now, why would she do this? Is it because she’s super smart as a result of her being a collection of various bugs controlling a humanoid shell? Could it be because she’ll do anything for her hives survival including playing both sides and betraying everyone so much it would make Revolver Ocelot blush?... If, you know, Ocelot was into Anthro bug ladies. NOPE! It’s because someone on the dev team loves this character with a passion and just wants to piss of the fanbase by using her to kill off popular characters… For some reason. Yes, that is DEFINENTLLY the reason why D’Vorah get’s so much love from Netherrealm.
Step 6: You are ALWAYS right!
You might think that as a critic who’s job it is to criticise other people’s work for a living that other people have a right to criticise you for when you make a mistake. Except no, they don’t! The calm and reasonable and level-headed guy who backs his arguments up with logic will always, ALWAYS be wrong compared to you, the man who’s angry 24/7 and doesn’t like anything. Because that is a WAY healthier way to live!
Step 7: Make shit up!
Finally, when all else fails and you can’t think of anything else the best thing you can do is just make random shit up! Lie, spread rumours, feed into the bullshit machine, say that this game/movie/show/whatever is going to bomb and not make any money because you think no one will be interested in it and keep yourself that little bubble of yours because if you say something enough times then it will become true. And when something does come out and your proven wrong and people do end up enjoying the thing you spent the last few months trash talking because your own personal bias got in the way and you refuse to go outside your little bubble you live in just say those people have no taste or that they are being paid off or that they live in their own bubble!
And that’s it! That is the guide! As long as you remember to follow these easy steps then you will be sure to get over a million subscribers on your Youtube channel. As well as never being happy, never being fun, never being able to enjoy anything and always putting others down. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to go make a 24 hour long essay about how Super Mario RPG Remake is an insult to the original SNES classic and bully the people who are enjoying it while supporting harassment of the people who worked on the game all for that sweet sweet Youtube money! Thanks for reading and don’t forget to like and follow!