*Spoilers for both Tears of the Kingdom, Breath of the Wild and Age of Calamity. *

So I’ve been playing Tears of the Kingdom for the past month because of course I would. It’s only my most anticipated game of 2023 and the sequel to one of my favourite Zelda games in the franchise after all. Well, most anticipated game of 2023 that doesn’t feature one of the best Spider-Man suits as a central mechanic at least! And you know, I’ve been having a dam good time with Tears of the Kingdom. Running around Hyrule, sending Koroks into space, helping my bro Sidon save Zora’s Domain from Sludge, helping my daughter Riju fend of some zombies, kicking the ass of a giant ice worm with my new son Tulin and helping Yunoboo and the Gorons get over there new addiction to crystal meth. Also building a new home outside Terry Town because I leave my old home in Hateno Village for a few years and suddenly the place is infested with Mushrooms! But umm, there’s one thing I haven’t been able to get over yet. One teeny tiny insignificant thing I NEED to talk to about someone. And that is well, umm… WHY THE FUCK IS MY MAN ROBBIE GETTING THE SHORT END OF THE STICK IN THIS GAME!?!?!

Okay so some of you might not know what the hell I’m talking about so let me give you some backstory. In Breath of the Wild released SIX YEARS AGO HOLY SHIT I FEEL OLD we meet two Shekia scientists who were both around 100 years prior to the games events before Calamity Gannon came and did to Hryule what Star Wars fans did to George Lucas’s sanity and absolutely decimate it! The first of these is Purah who in an attempt to turn herself into her much better Tears of the Kingdom six years early decided to experiment on herself with de-aging technology but ended up de-aging herself to much and turned herself into a loli and now she lives in the Hateno Ancient Tech Lab with her man slave Symin where she’s also able to reactivate the camera on your Shekia Slate because it was 2017 and everyone wanted to post there shitty selfies on the Hyrule Version of Instagram. Meanwhile Robbie doesn’t get off that lucky and is still an old man who looks like he’s going to keel over and die at any moment if you were to swing a Deku Leaf in front of him and I’m convinced he’s only managed to stay alive for all these years because of the power of determination after playing Undertale like once and seeing how effective it is. He also now spends his time hanging around the Akkala Ancient Tech Lab and hangs around a wired talking robot who spits out admittedly one of the best armour sets in the game and some ugly woman named Jerrin. The most significant thing Robbie does this whole game is ask you to strip naked.

Now let’s talk about Hyrule Warriors Age of Calamity which is both a sequel to the original Hyrule Warriors where you slaughter the entire population of the United States masquerading as Zelda enemies and also a semi prequel to the events of Breath of the Wild 100 years ago when two of the best Zelda characters of Urbosa and Mipha were still alive. It’s also in this game we see Purah and Robbie and what they looked like before old age and lolification hit. Purah a very pretty woman who looks to be in her 20’s probably and Robbie? Holy shit! Robbie looks handsome! This ladies and gentlemen is Robbie at his peak. Handsome, active, has fun and the best part is that he and Purah are even playable in this game as DLC. Not as separate characters but rather as one character and they both work together. AND Robbie is carrying on him a pair of badass dual chainsaws to fight of Jedi Master Sifo-Dyas’s clone army. Ash Williams? Fuck him! THIS is Robbie (and Purah’s there two I guess.) Objectively speaking the best version of Robbie in this series is the one in the semi non cannon crossover with the franchise I’m pretty sure was originally made a social experiment to show why throwing more bodies at the problem is morally wrong and doesn’t work unless the person playing it really does think that Dynasty Warriors game are just mindless button mashers which THEY ARE NOT and if you need me to prove that further you un-cultured shits, go play Fire Emblem Warriors! That game alone proves my point that these games require more thought from the player than…

Now we move on to the latest game in the Legend of Zelda series, Tears of da Kingdom. In this game we see Purah again and that the de-aging has worn off and she is started to get older and in her current state, oh boy Purah in her current state! I mean, what can I say about Tears of the Kingdom Purah that hasn’t been said already!? She’s beautiful! She’s gorgeous! There is a dam good reason a good 90% of the Zelda community likely wants to fuck Purah and have her have there babies! Now what about Robbie? Surely after her own experience Purah is going to give her old pal Robbie that technology and de-age himself to get him close to his Age of Calamity de… NOPE! Robbie is STILL stuck as an old man who looks like he’s going to crumble and turn to dust. Considering his friendship with Hyrules Next Top Model you think he’s get a break and be blessed with the same immortal life Purah has. The worst part is that after a certain point he will leave Lookout Landing to go back to Purah’s old lab in Hateno. Alone. No one to keep him company like in Breath of the Wild. Nothing to do after you complete the Purah Pad upgrade side adventure. The poor guys probably going to spending the rest of his life as a hermit whose entertainment is laughing at grown men on Hryule Twitter cry about the most insignificant shit like the skin colour of a fictional character. UNLESS Purah still has that technology hidden someone in her old lab. Maybe… Maybe THAT’S the REAL reason Robbie is in her old lab! To use her de-aging technology on himself! He doesn’t care if the process takes 100 years, he will do it!... Right? Unless he’s gotten to the point where his memory will start to deteriorate. He will forget who Link is, who Purah is, who he is. He… he’s not there to save himself. He’s there to die. Forgetful and forgotten. *Sigh.* Poor Robbie. This game’s done the guy dirty. This game needed to give the fandom someone to simp over but in doing so, they neglected poor old Robbie. Nintendo clearly hates Robbie and only Team Ninja give a shit about him.

*Sigh.* I’m sorry, I’ve made myself sad. I think maybe I should just get back to building my new house. Make it my dream location to live in. Maybe I’ll even adopt Riju and Tulin as my own kids and have them see Sidon and Yunobo as there new uncles. Maybe even try to find a way to use Age of Calamities time travel shenanigans to bring a still alive Mipha to my time so that we can start a family… What’s that? You say Tullin already has a farther and mother who are still alive and healthy? *Dresses up in the Yiga Clan armour set.* Not for much longer! Glory to the Yiga Clan and Master Kohga bitches!